What's there to talk about since the last blog? Not much, I guess? I lied, fuck you. I've actually been meaning to make a post for a few days now, but we'll see how much of the bullshit I wanted to spew remains. Oh, stop complaining, you're the one sitting inside my toilet, mouth wide open waiting for a delicious helping of the insane crap that leaks out of my mind in these incoherent blogs. If you're gonna eat my shit, at the very least start licking too. This metaphor is entirely and completely disgusting and I actually hate getting rimmed and refuse to eat ass, and the concept of eating shit grosses me out. I'm not gonna lie to you dear reader, I have no fucking clue why I even typed that shit out. I think I've started these blogs with this sort of meta bit where I cuss and verbally abuse you, dear reader, but I lowkey don't really care to try to do that consistently but it breaks the thematic overtures and expectations from these blogs, so I kind of tried to force it there. Seriously, I'm sorry for saying all that disgusting stuff, it was difficult for both of us. I'll try to be more honest and pure going forward. Unless you enjoyed it. You probably enjoyed it, didn't you? I'm actually physically ill hearing that, like what the fuck? I mean, I don't mean to knock anyone's yum but holy fuck some things are just too far for me. I mean, I like being verbally abused (I think? idk i've never really tried it tbh) but fuuuck miss me with that scat play, that's all you dear reader. I'm good.

OK, so a few nights ago I had a horrible dream. I do not remember the details, these things are ephemeral as fuck and there's no guarantee that I'll actually remember that shit. However, I do remember the uh, theme of the dream. In essence, the dream was that I would be romantically alone for the rest of my life. It was quite depressing. I already quite feel this way and somehow manage to go day to day without really thinking about it too much, but damn brain, really? You're gonna do me like that? After all we've been through together, you're gonna betray me at the drop of a hat and bully the shit out me? Not cool, brain.

Regarding loneliness. I don't think I'll end up in a relationship, probably because I'm an incel. I had a whole diatribe typed up on the matter, then went to do other things, and 20 minutes later I realized, "holy shit, this is what an incel sounds like. I feel like I'm parodying one of my dear, sweet, precious readers." Like seriously, is this how you, dear reader, feel and act and sound like? And I'm doing the same things? Dear reader, (yes you the person reading this righ this second don't let my incessant use of dear reader numb you to the fact that I'm talking to you specifically), I might be a genuine, real life incel like you.

Really my feelings on the matter are that I don't believe I'm a pleasant person to be around or be in a relationship with and also not willing to put the effort into changing or improving, and thus unworthy/undeserving of a relationship, but that's pretty much like, the definition of an incel. You should know, professor of arm chair psychology that you are. I would like to be in a relationship. It lowkey hurts sometimes not being in one, from the loneliness that is, but I know that chasing a relationship to be happy isn't going to result in happiness and that I need to be happy with/work on myself first and then a relationship will come naturally. I dunno dawg. I just feel things and then try to bury those feelings because it hurts to feel them. It's hard talking to new people. Social anxiety and all that. I mean, I think I kind of just think I'm not worth dating / interesting enough to date and/or I'm not actively looking for someone to be in a relationship with?

Ugh, I hate talking about this shit without several layers of irony and exaggerated lies to cover it up so I can talk about it without talking about it, and the more I talk about it without layers the more I feel like one of those roidy misogynistic incels so common online and shit, when I don't think I'm like that, I just have personal issues with socializing and anxiety and low confidence wrapped in layers of both ironic and unironic self-loathing. I just have problems, that's all there really is to say about it. Let's both pretend we had a reasonable discussion on the matter and move on, yeah? You forgot everything I just typed? Good, now comment on how understanding you are that I have problems and ask about them, so I can ignore you and keep the bit going.

I dunno if I talked about this in another blog but I'm going to say it anyways because it's my blog and I do what I fucking want, so suck it up buttercup and read it again. I hate optimism. Yeah, I do. I think blind optimism is burying your head in the sand. The idea of believing everything is ok or will turn out ok creates apathy or worse, an active hostility to change. Real life is terrible. Reality fucking sucks; the world is literally on fire (wildfires everywhere), the oceans are turning to acid, the polar ice caps are melting, species keep going extinct, there's rampant poverty and inflation, people are dropping dead from the sheer heat, progress is slow if at all and countered by incredibly wealthy and powerful people. I have every right to be insanely angry and upset and depressed about all this because there's almost 0 actual effective change I can do, and don't you fucking dare even think about replying with "oh all you can do is be as environmentally conscious as you can" because that doesn't work. Any amount of environmental impact I can have is literally, statistically nothing compared to the giants of pollution: natural gas and coal based energy production and the meat industry as a concept, to name two of them. Not to mention the societal resistance to positive changes and government support for the status quo: car-based infrastructure, government subsidies to meat industries, oil and coal barons lining the pockets of politicians, NIMBYism, MAGAts etc. The list quite literally goes on and on. The only way to be optimistic about this is to have faith in humanity that things will be ok and do whatever small political part you can while maintaining a better way of life, except how the fuck can you have faith in humanity when the United States elected fucking Trump of all people, the literal worst possible person we could have (I'm american). How can we have faith when proposals for mass transit get shot down by greedy billionaires proposing and pushing for bogus car-based alternatives which results in the mass transit project getting shut down (Musk and the hyperloop which caused California's highspeed rail plans to get nixed). How can anyone have faith that the human nature of empathy, care, concern, and kindness will win out over the human nature of greed, hatred, selfishness, and pride, when history, both past and modern, tells us time and time again that all the negatives of human emotion almost always win out?? We're doomed as a species so the only recourse left to me is to be angry and depressed, or ignore everything and build up walls of cognitive dissonance. Fuck man, get the fuck out of here with that "be optimistic" crap. NO! Fuck, generative AI and datacenters are a prime example of the bullshit I'm talking about! People hate this shit but the rich and powerful in the positions of government that we put them in are bulldozing over collective desire and pushing their way on us, and we sit by and let it happen! And, like, I can't even blame them because I do the same thing; almost no one is willing to give up everything they've done and worked for through their life to push back against this shit in a way that matters, whether that be dropping everything and getting involved in politics or being violent and physically fighting back, and the ones that do go to those lengths don't always win or actually effect meaningful change. For every Mamdani and El-Sayed and Luigi, who actually succeed (somewhat), how many others tried and failed? Oh, and remember how I said "people hate this shit" earlier? That's a generalization and not even true, because not everybody hates this, there's plenty of people who actively support this, even outside positions of power, and plenty more that are just apathetic to it and don't care. So yes, I fucking hate optimism, if it means that being realistic is being pessimistic.

Knoweldge is powerful. Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is pain. Ignorance is weakness.

Right moving on from that rant, I think I've said enough on the matter.

I went out the other night with an old roommate. Had fun. Shit's expensive bro. 9 dollars for a basket of fries?? 34 dollars for a beer, 2 sides of fries, and a fucking chicken pesto sandwich?? 12 dollars for two cans of low alcohol percentage beverages?? What the hell is this markup bro, I could get a whole bottle of 14% marg from Aldi's for 12 bucks, why the fuck am I paying that for two beers of less alcohol percentage each?? This shit is why I don't go out anymore, I'm getting fucked in the ass by capitalists. Why don't you fuck me in the ass instead, dear reader? We can kill two birds with one stone. Yeah, you would like that, huh? Bending me over and pegging me. Come on. Do it.

I have no idea what else to talk about. I think I had something in my head from earlier, but I've been drafting this throughout today, and I can't quite remember. Which, I think then and thusly so resulting in I will just end this here.

//bullshit.