killin myself

[jalebebebe@lemmy.ca]

I'm done with everything. Its been more than half a decade and everybody has its limits. I don't remember anything, I don't remember the abuse from my parents that made me feel this way since I was 10 so it isn't fair to even say my abuse is affecting me. I'm not going to build my life from the scraps that was left behind that they couldn't take so I could reclaim. I'm not a dog and I'm not a baby so I don't need to take baby steps for a supposed 'better life'. Moving out from my abusive parents won't change anything, reclaiming my life won't help me and no amount of therapy will. The problem is just me. My existence is the cause of my own misery. I am a subhuman with no dignity, privilege, influence or power. I am bacteria.

I don't even like where the world is heading to anyways (established in a recent post), we'll just end up being robots in 2035 anyways. My teen years are just filled with algorithms, AI, and being a self aware yet powerless victim of surveillance capitalism. But being born in a different past generation won't undo my genetics and I'll always remain the same ugly loser that's rotting in their room. You could pretty much tell how much I care more about my appearance more than any of the bad circumstances that's happened to me.

I'm a subhu handicapped 'girl' who's PSL scale is a 2 because my features look like a Picasso drawing and as long as I am black which is why I'm abused and got bad genes from my parents then I can never ascend to at least a 3 or ever look like a model. All I do is cooking and cleaning cause apparently that is why my parents had me and that I should give up getting good grades despite everything is because as long as their still alive then they can control me psychologically and physically. I have stopped caring about my education despite my national exams being next year. I don't care about this life at all.

Its better if I'm not here in hell on earth. I just want to be in God and I don't care if offing yourself is a sin, my mom should've never gotten a c-section and just bled away with me being unborn. You could point an instrument against my head and threaten to tell me to make the most of whatever I got in my life and I'd still stay silent. I will NOT live in this world being ugly. that's it. I'm tired of coping.

I didn't choose to have this life but living in it has let me know that even if I didn't have an option for living, I'd want to do it while beautiful. I'm not going to turn 16 this year and that's fine, I don't care. I'm tired...I'm sorry that my parents had a daughter like me but I still don't love monsters and I'm sorry God for failing you. I don't have the courage to inflict harm on others and its not like I'm going to become happy or optimistic on anything so I have nowhere to release this anger and I don't want to become a monster myself. I may be a loser but I'm not that much of a loser that repeats the same cycle and glamorizes mentally ill serial killers.

I'm not surrendering, I'm just protecting myself from whatever the hell this world is and how it works.